ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(via rivailledicksquad)

ellyosa:

thedistantgirl:

plagueutopia:

in-twilight-realms:

image

It’s back

I CANT STOP LAUGHING

this will always be my favorite

(via queen-oftheswamp)

yummymeats:

beauty

How to make your own deodorant.
How to make pigtails without a part.
How to make your own fragrances.
How to have Game of Thrones hair.
How to make horn buns.

crafting/sewing

How to make a lolita dress.
How to make bloomers.
How to make a dress form.
How to make glass lanterns.
How to make comic shoes.
How to make cute hair bows.
How to sew some neat skirts!
How to make plastic keychains.
How to make cosplay armor.
How to make lip stain.
How to make a giant squid.
How to make a flower crown.

movies

Pixar movies.
Hayao Miyazaki movies.
Disney movies.
Dreamworks movies.
Movies to watch when it’s raining.
Great science fiction movies.

art

How to draw correct proportions.
How to draw/shade faces and folds.
How to draw animal noses.
How to create skin tone palettes.
Fashion inspiration.
How to draw bat wings.
Hairstyle inspiration (for girls).
Good typography fonts.
How to draw boobs.
How to shade (water and cell).
Instant art assignment.
Pretty cool ideas.
How to make a repeating pattern.

life

How to pack luggage.
How to work out like a dork.
How to fix your sore throat.
How to answer a job interview.
How to always get the best deals.
How to dress to the nines.
How to disappear.
How to go on a cute date.
How to not get raped.
How to bypass expensive wifi.
How to balance a checkbook.
How to catch shinies.
How to fight.

food

What can I cook?
Vegan recipes.
How to cook ramen.
How to handle your leftovers.
How to make Harry Potter Drinks.
How to make good spaghetti.
How to make hummus.
How to make green smoothies.
How to make a salad.
How to cook with tofu.
How to make eggs.
How to make dildo popsicles.

feeling crummy?

You’re worthwhile.
Letting it out doesn’t have to leave a scar.
Your emotions are valid.
It’s a beautiful world.
Take care of yourself (ftm).
You are beautiful.
(No matter what you say.)
You’re the best!
How to live.
Lot’s of people love you.
You’re wonderful even if you don’t see it yourself.
You deserve to relax.
Slow down.
This earth is incredible.
You deserve life.
You deserve life.
You deserve life.
You deserve life.

yummymeats:

beauty

How to make your own deodorant.

How to make pigtails without a part.

How to make your own fragrances.

How to have Game of Thrones hair.

How to make horn buns.

crafting/sewing

How to make a lolita dress.

How to make bloomers.

How to make a dress form.

How to make glass lanterns.

How to make comic shoes.

How to make cute hair bows.

How to sew some neat skirts!

How to make plastic keychains.

How to make cosplay armor.

How to make lip stain.

How to make a giant squid.

How to make a flower crown.

movies

Pixar movies.

Hayao Miyazaki movies.

Disney movies.

Dreamworks movies.

Movies to watch when it’s raining.

Great science fiction movies.

art

How to draw correct proportions.

How to draw/shade faces and folds.

How to draw animal noses.

How to create skin tone palettes.

Fashion inspiration.

How to draw bat wings.

Hairstyle inspiration (for girls).

Good typography fonts.

How to draw boobs.

How to shade (water and cell).

Instant art assignment.

Pretty cool ideas.

How to make a repeating pattern.

life

How to pack luggage.

How to work out like a dork.

How to fix your sore throat.

How to answer a job interview.

How to always get the best deals.

How to dress to the nines.

How to disappear.

How to go on a cute date.

How to not get raped.

How to bypass expensive wifi.

How to balance a checkbook.

How to catch shinies.

How to fight.

food

What can I cook?

Vegan recipes.

How to cook ramen.

How to handle your leftovers.

How to make Harry Potter Drinks.

How to make good spaghetti.

How to make hummus.

How to make green smoothies.

How to make a salad.

How to cook with tofu.

How to make eggs.

How to make dildo popsicles.

feeling crummy?

You’re worthwhile.

Letting it out doesn’t have to leave a scar.

Your emotions are valid.

It’s a beautiful world.

Take care of yourself (ftm).

You are beautiful.

(No matter what you say.)

You’re the best!

How to live.

Lot’s of people love you.

You’re wonderful even if you don’t see it yourself.

You deserve to relax.

Slow down.

This earth is incredible.

You deserve life.

You deserve life.

You deserve life.

You deserve life.

(via captainlonglake)

thatseanguyblogs:

jedavu:

Table Topography: Wood Furniture Embedded with Glass Rivers and Lakes by Greg Klassen

Am I the only person who see this and goes, “OMG WARHAMMER!”???

…cause I do.

(via lost-inside-dreams)

geezjenner:

tumblino:

zettaslowzettago:

snarkpopotamus:

every time i see this, my heart fills with joy

Every time I see this, I worry that it’s a warning message from hungry crayons out to take over the world.

both are good

are the colors made from human flesh?

geezjenner:

tumblino:

zettaslowzettago:

snarkpopotamus:

every time i see this, my heart fills with joy

Every time I see this, I worry that it’s a warning message from hungry crayons out to take over the world.

both are good

are the colors made from human flesh?

(via xxjulieflugtxx)

austinkleon:

Wayne White’s Instagram might be the ultimate Show Your Work! example. So great.

(via kgyami)

yolownly:

homeostasis-central:

richwhitelesbian:

we need some new and more powerful swears

image

the elder swear

(via kgyami)

ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just-a-nameless-nobody:

queen-dreaveev:

For anyone who uses DeviantART! If anything pops up saying you need to update Java while you’re on DeviantART.. DON’T TOUCH IT!!!! .. just exit out of the screen and reopen DeviantART in another tab. It’s a virus!!! I fell for it yesterday and spent 2 hrs+ fixing/uninstalling unwanted programs from my computer! Please reblog!!!!

THIS NEEDS TO BE SIGNAL BOOSTED

(via kgyami)

how to kiss

kinkydonuts:


[step 1]
open your mouth as wide as possible. make sure to stick out your tongue as far as you can, too, since kisses are like, 90% that thing

image

[step 2] find someone to kiss. you will know they want to kiss because their tongue will also be extended at full length

image

[step 3] move in for the kill

image

image

(via xxjulieflugtxx)

idratherbevulcan:

So today on the bus there was this little boy, he was talking to his mom about how he had a crush on someone in his class. His mom asked him “Oh, what’s her name, honey” and he said “no”. All she said was “Oh, is it a boy then?” with a smile on her face, and then asked what his name was. Then the boy told her to guess and so the conversation went on. This is how a parent should react, all respect to this woman.

idratherbevulcan:

So today on the bus there was this little boy, he was talking to his mom about how he had a crush on someone in his class. His mom asked him “Oh, what’s her name, honey” and he said “no”. All she said was “Oh, is it a boy then?” with a smile on her face, and then asked what his name was. Then the boy told her to guess and so the conversation went on.
This is how a parent should react, all respect to this woman.

(via kgyami)

oxboxer:

"No homo" is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard come out of the mouth of a human. This is my second favorite way to reply - the first, bloody retribution.

Like and comment on Tapastic!

(via kgyami)

nightmarebebe:

feministsupernatural:

#Capitalismatwork

I can’t stress this tweet enough

nightmarebebe:

feministsupernatural:

#Capitalismatwork

I can’t stress this tweet enough

(via masaochan)